Ahoy there !
New Year is on its way, and with it, New Year resolutions. My main resolution this year is to sort myself out, to get better for good.
Why, you may say, do you want to get better ? Is something wrong with you ?
Though I have never been through the process of getting a diagnosis, I can say that I have been battling mental illness for a few years, in fact I would say a good six years straight, maybe longer. I am not depressed, but I have depressive tendencies and I go from one end of my emotional spectrum to the other over very short periods of time, and rather frequently, thus being completely elated for multiple hours and then crying endlessly for a few more, all on the same day. I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, I have body image issues (eating problems ensue) and a lot of anxiety as well as nostalgia, even though I am currently very happy with my life and I have a wonderful entourage I am ever so grateful for (Thank you guys ! I love you so much !). These mental problems result in physical problems too : I have been battling very bad eczema on my hands and wrists for over two years, I often have stomach pains, and I sometimes have breathing problems, too.
The result of this is that it parasites my professional and personal life : I flee loneliness more than all other things, if I am alone at night I (irrationally) delay my bedtime out of some kind of anxiety, I try and fill the feeling of emptiness I get in the pit of my stomach by eating a lot, and very fast, and then I feel guilty for eating so much (I never go to the extent of purging, however, due to my fear of damaging my body and my fear of sickness), I feel an urge to tidy or clean my flat because I feel disorientated and I also need to keep my mind busy, which chores seem to help with, as well as watching mind numbing videos on the internet, sometimes for hours. I find I rarely resort to one of my favourite activities, reading, because, when I am feeling down, I lose my appetite for books, which have always been an object of pleasure and curiosity for me, and, more recently, they have become an object of study and work, too.
It has become clear to me, over the last few days, that I must seek some help with these problems and that I should work on myself, because now that my “real” life has started, professionally and personally, my mental struggles are becoming a real problem and I fear that they might prevent me from reaching the goals I so dearly wish to achieve. Helping myself would allow me to thrive in my professional life as well as my personal life, and I am hoping to be able to start anew, without this (irrational) pain and sense of loss.
It is hard to write about my struggles and to make them public, especially since very few people know about this, but if this can also help other people, then that would be wonderful. I intend to seek professional help as soon as possible, and I will keep track of my progress on this page.
For now, it is time for me to get some rest, but first : time for a cuppa !
That’s all folks !
Speak to you very soon,